World Cup Song Blueprint

Unless John Barnes gets back in the booth, it really will be another four years of hurt.

Fours years of waiting and excruciatingly boring qualifying and tedious 'battle for plane seats to Brazil friendly matches' are almost over, the World Cup, "The Greatest Show on Earth", is set to return. And if you don't agree that it is in fact, the most brilliant sporting exhibition carried out on our planet, you're probably dangerously insane and think the Super Bowl deserves such a title, or if not even the Super Bowl you must be literally completely-bonkers-pissing-in-yours-socks-and-throwing-them-at-traffic-on-your-way-to-Tesco-to-yell-profanities-at-the-cabbages-mental, and would argue that 'Wrestlemania' deserves such a title.

The overwhelming excitement and even optimism of those sane ones among us, is every time, attempted to be captured by the music industry, and regurgitated into a pop song, more frequently known as 'The World Cup Song' or even a 'Euro's Song' depending on which tournament England are preparing not to be embarrassed whilst taking part in. Barring a rare few (see below), these 2-3 minute-long abundances of noise are usually the demented brain child of people more concerned about making money and selling awful music than England having success at a major tournament, and the result is often a revoltingly cheesy, barely even catchy, Euro-Pop disaster with the odd crowd noise or referee whistle. So, enjoy the rare few which don't abide to this description, before I disgrace some of the worst England World Cup (or Euro's) Songs ever to leave a studio, which should've consulted the "Successful Football Song Blueprint."

Blueprint

I don't think it can be too hard to make a genuinely good football song. No one's expecting a deeply meaningful number, worthy of a Mercury Award nomination, no one's even expecting a song emotional enough for a 13 year old girl to use it's lyrics as a caption when uploading a selfie. Imagine; '~ (8) Me, my Mum, my Dad and my Gran and a bucket of Vindaloo :J <3 (8) ~'

However, we do expect a few certain aspects, generic conventions of a football song, if you will.

1. Include Commentary

 A sample of commentary is vital. Whether it be John Motson, Martin Tyler or even Clive Tyldsley with his pesky sidekick, Andy Townsend, a few quotes from the 'voice of football' should always be included. E.g "The crowd are jumping on the pitch, they think it's all over..." or my personal favourite England commentary moment, "Could it be five? HESKEY!" - John Motson, 2001. The sample coupled with a few jeers and cheers from some crowd noise always goes down well.

2. Include a Chant

Without a bit of orchestrated crowd noise, the absent minded listener won't even know it's a football song that their ears are being treated to. 'Three Lions' told us that 'Footballs coming home' via chant, and 'Vindaloo' confirmed to us that we are in fact '...gonna score one more than you... (ENGLAND!)' Also, should the song be the success that this blueprint suggests, it's chant may be heard in World Cup stadiums, chanted by our nation's drunken and sunburnt fans. The structure of the chant is also key, the 'Kolo/Yaya Toure' chant has become a bit of a craze recently, with those same sunburnt drunkerds chanting it aloud in various 18-30 Holiday destinations, then uploading their videos and photos to a Facebook album entitled 'Maga 2k13' or 'Zante!!!!!!!'

3. Footballer on the Song 

Forget Pitbull, Flo Rida, Calvin Harris or any other "artist" who seems to appear as a feature on every song on the Radio 1 playlist, you need a footballer on the song if you really want it to be a success. In the days widely regarded as both good and old, the whole team would feature on a musical number, such as in 1970 with the likes of Charlton and Moore, or in 1982 with Keegan making the first of his appearances on a chart entry, unfortunately. But the famous 'John Barnes rap' is likely to never be bettered, not just by another World Cup song, but also by Drake.

4. Footballer in the Video

Players also have to be present in what is an overwhelming, uncomfortably upbeat, stress-free video which will accompany the song, and grace all of those music channels on TV which are essentially all the same thing. The inclusion of a footballer in the song is more of a bonus, but a current player appearing in the video really is a must. Take 'Three Lions' for example, an outstanding cult classic, and the only music video to feature Steve Stone in.

5. Ensure it's About Football 

You'd think its a given, but it's really not. And when I say 'about football', I mean literally. Not a metaphor about getting behind the team or 'trying your best.' Efforts like this have resulted in some of the most dire football songs to exist, ie; 'All Together Now' by The Farm. Anyone who thought vuvuzelas were the most physically draining soundtrack to an international tournament, ever, clearly never heard The Farm's England soundtrack for Euro 2004.

6. Don't do this

This is '3 Minutes and 42 seconds of cringe causing vomit' by Embrace, better known as 'World at Your Feet.'  It's just the way he looks out the car window at the camera. Oh, and the leather jacket. And the way he emerges from the crowd, receiving 'pats on the back' from every Tom, Dick and Gary in an England shirt and face paint. And his shit hair. 

RARE FEW.

World in Motion - New Order feat John Barnes aka The Masterplan (Italia 90)

Arguably the greatest. Song, that is. Not just 'World Cup' song. Okay, exaggerated a tad but my word what piece of media! Commentating sample? Check. Chant suitable for football terraces? Check. Players in the video? Check. Players on the song itself? Just one player, but by golly what a contribution. John Barnes' rap makes this a piece of art, and dare I say it, even, "cool?"

Three Lions - Lightning Seeds feat Baddiel and Skinner (Euro 96)

Commentators sample is present, so is a cameo of England players in the video and a chant makes up the chorus. The song genuinely makes you believe England can actually do something, despite being produced at one of the darkest times for England as a team, having failed to qualify for the 94 World Cup before Euro 96 in England. I wish I was older than 1 year of age when it happened, as football almost did 'come home,' with England looking like they'd make the final, before Gareth Southgate spooned his penalty in the Semi Final shootout.

Vindaloo - Fat Les (France 98)

France 98 is probably my earliest football memory, albeit slightly blurred by the small capacity of my 3 year old brain at the time, and maybe that's why I really don't understand the video, or the song really to be honest. But it's good though, 'yeah Vindaloo and shouting and goals and stuff.'

Back Home - England 1970 World Cup Squad (Mexico 1970)

What I'd give to see England's current team belt out a song like this, particularly players like Wayne Rooney and Ashley Cole as one's hilariously socially awkward and the other is an arsehole. But respect must be paid to these England legends, most of which won the World Cup just four years earlier, for hitting a variety of notes on the song, and even on Top of the Pops, which not only existed back then, but was also good.

* SPACE HERE FOR A RESPECTABLE ATTEMPT AT A 2014 WORLD CUP SONG *